gungaloos and centipedes

the local paper does not publish on holidays (or mondays), so i thought i would be helpful and provide some potential articles.

WHAT"S AT THE MOVIES

star wars does dallas premiered last weekend. the plot involves a nice human being who is tempted by the dark side to don the black robes of the dark side. corrupted by the power this presents he loses all compassion for humanity and becomes a total egomaniac acting with disregard for reason and without a conscience. and after his career as a judge, darth vader does some other things as well.

SPORTS

while some of you with limited reception were forced to settle for the french open this weeik, the big tennis news was the tennis tournament at the buccaneer. it is fascinating trying to do tournaments since the categories are open and b. since they won't let me play b you find a class of players ranging from just above mediocre (which would be me), to just under sensational (which would be whoever is playing against me). as usual,` the best part of my tennis game is my partner selection. i had excellent partners in the men's and mixed (no singles category), but not strong enough to handle the burden of carrying me to the end. in men's doubles we lost 6-0, 6-0 to the club pro. it wasn't as close as the score made it sound. in mixed, we managed to survive three rounds and lose in the finals to the club pro again 6-3, 6-3. no one confused me with roger federer, but the pro did discuss with me the idea of being a part time assistant, a tennis pro in the caribbean! and they say fantasies don't come true (michael jackson aside). who knows. i told him i thought i would have to learn how to play before i could teach others, but it might be fun.

SCIENCE AND NATURE FOR A THOUSAND, PLEASE

in the creepy, crawly category we have centipedes, gungaloos, and michael jackson. centipedes are nasty. their bite is dangerous and their appearance is hideous. they are quick and live forever. i had one in my sink one day. after drowning him for an hour or so, i dropped his lifeless body in a cereal box which i put outside (being too lazy to walk it to the outside garbage). when i went to drop it into the garbage the next morning, out crawled the centipede. i handled it very maturely. i proceeded to stomp on it with my dress shoes (i was working back then) several times. this seemed to annoy it. only after wearing myself out to exhaustion doing what appeared to be some bizarre version of the macarena did i inflict enough damage to put what was left of the creature into the trash. fortunately, centipedes are not an everyday visitor to the stern household. the same cannot be said of gungaloos. they are difficult to describe. usually green in color they are a wormlike creature about two inches in length that seems to have as its sole purpose in life getting into your house and dying. it is not uncommon to sweep 20 or 30 of these guys up in a day. sometimes in an hour. their bodies turn to dust shortly after (or before) death. they aren't much more lively alive than they are dead, but they do like to crawl around ceilings, walls, clothes, and into the bed upon occassion. when it rains you might find a thousand gungaloos on the road when you are running. i do not know why they try and get to the other side. the other thing that is of interest is that if you touch a moving gungaloo they immediately take on a death like character (this may not be an act) and do not move. this same characteristic is known to take place in humans after several years of marriage. in the somewhat warmier and cuddlier category (no more michael jackson jokes, please), we have the mongoose. these animals received some level of fame and respectability in rikki tikki tavi. as you may recall, they are devastatingly effective against cobras. of course, there are no cobras or other snakes on st croix. but there are rats. the mongoose, previously unknown to the island, was imported to deal with the rat population. of course the only predator to the mongoose is the chevy convertible. and rats scurry around at night, and the mongoose has only day jobs. so both the rats and the mongoose are able to thrive without interacting. seems to be about as effective as bringing me in as a weapons prosecutor.

LOCAL NEWS

the head of the chamber of commerce resigned after allegations were made about sums of money disappearing under her watch. she was unavailable for comment when contacted at her new home on the french riviera.

NATIONAL NEWS

bad things happened in iraq.

you will have to supply your own comics and crossword. i don't work on memorial day either.